Pushing Myself and Perfectionism

I’m writing this as mindfully and thoughtfully as I can. I’m aware, again, for the need to make this newsletter/blog something I do with the intention of being authentic and potentially to serve – not to ‘get it right’ (I probably won’t do this by my mind’s standards anyway, but certainly not today as I’m running ‘late’ ).

But that actually feels purposeful, because one of the major ways I’ve caused myself harm in my life is through my perfectionism.

It took me a very long time to acknowledge this trait… Well done to my ego for hiding that one from me so well!

Because I’m not especially tidy or concerned with getting everything right, I simply labelled the ways I’d overwork myself a symptom of my being ‘hard working’, or the high expectations I put on myself to be a good friend, student, and partner a sign of my desire to be kind, or selfless or ‘good’.

All very noble!

And while those things may be true (I do care about achieving my goals and being fair in relationship), sometimes the way I’d go about demonstrating that care reflected almost no care whatsoever for my well-being.

I can see how this started young – as so many things do. I remember being disappointed if I didn’t throw up at the end of a cross-country race, thinking that I didn’t push myself hard enough.

And this extreme mindset about ‘hard work’ echoed in many different areas of my life: I stretched myself thin with demanding friendships and relationships, triple majored in college, and pursued a Law degree in 1.5 years while working, to name just a few of the most damaging!

It really shouldn’t surprise me that my body rebels so much against pushing now!

Why did this come up this week?

Last week I had a BIG release and forgiveness ritual for a relationship where I pushed myself to over-give and give and give… and this feels connected.

Because healing is a spiral path, it’s not lost on me that I’ve had a few parallel relationships to the one above since that time. This week, I was prompted to re-examine one of the most recent.

Pushing myself in relationship

The pattern repeated most recently again in the gorgeous gorgeous year of 2020, when I moved in with some people I didn’t fully know, but fully expected to have harmonious and easy relationships with.

(I was good at doing easy and harmonious relationships because I had an A+ in people pleasing and denying my own emotional landscape, but I digress!!)

Unfortunately for my short-term sanity, I experienced constant rejection. Thus, my own brand of Perfectionism was constantly triggered, and I went into Overdrive trying to please and appease one of my housemates in particular who seemed to have an issue with me.

It was very Mika’s Grace Kelly. I tried being funny, less funny, bigger, quieter, less direct, more sensitive, more vulnerable, more generous, more interested, more aloof… I bought presents…

It’s true insanity looking back, but I really was so desperate. Over the course of 2.5 years, I became deeply anxious and could barely get myself to leave my room. No matter what I did or didn’t do, it never felt like ‘enough’ (and of course it wouldn’t – Spirit was determined for me to finally look my core wound in the eyes!).

Pushing myself at school / work

At the same time, I was tearing my nervous system to shreds with an expedited Law degree while working at a Safe House for Victims of Trafficking / Modern Slavery and being a legal volunteer for a legal charity of the same cause.

I became controlling and obsessed by my fear of failure, studying for up to 18 hours a day whenever I didn’t have work and being unable to sleep.

I know that my body remembers it well!

Another Forgiveness Opportunity

Riding on the forgiveness wave from last week, Spirit prompted me through another few ceremonies to invite release. And though it wasn’t my first time forgiving myself and my housemate(s) for the difficult times, there were more layers to bring to light.

Namely, I had another layer in need of forgiveness for, again, the way I pushed myself so hard – in relationship and in work. For the ways I made myself smaller because the brighter side of me seemed to intimidate someone else, and for the ways I expected perfection from these aspects of my life while my physical and mental health deteriorated and my inner children suffered.

I felt the suppressed shame in my stomach caused by my self-rejection, and an anger in my heart for the ways in which I violated my own boundaries.

And I had to do some reparenting with my older inner child again, who felt that I simply needed to be ‘stronger’.

I’ll no longer allow myself to push myself like I’ve done in the past, nor allow myself to think it’s ‘strong’ to self-abnegate, over-work, or allow a fear of failure to drive me. It’s way stronger to honor the pain, set and respect healthy boundaries, and forgive myself for not knowing better at the time.

The feelings of grace and relief that emerged in my body afterwards were a welcome confirmation of the healing.

I hope these releases will allow me to shine a little brighter again!

And I hope that the healing I brought to the fear and shame-driven energy of pushing and rushing will infuse more peace into my present moments… even when I am a bit ‘behind’  . As Spirit said when I took my final messages from the release, all of these moments had “the fruits of the future” in them, and looking back, I’m so grateful for what I’ve learned and grown through.  

xx.