Forgiveness and Our Innocence

Wow! All week I’ve quietly wondered what I’d share when it came time to send out my newsletter, and it’s all come together today!

Big shout-out to Lindsay Morlock for helping me realize the steps I needed to take.

I’d say a lot of this week was defined by the after-effects of sending out my first newsletter. Spirit opened up the door to let in more light and…. then showed me the next 20 potential steps.

“Great job, go deeper” … I know that feeling is familiar!

This week was big on inner child work!

Especially with my older one. She’d express some belief or perspective to me (ex: Only think about the positive and affirm what you desire!) and I would get the opportunity to reparent on the issue.

For example, I used to be afraid to acknowledge my ‘negative’ emotions because I felt it would necessarily attract more of the same via the Law of Attraction. This led to some profound emotional bypassing, and I’d blame myself for being undisciplined in my thinking if some difficult circumstance did crop up in my life.

I also didn’t understand that Spirit’s mirrors weren’t always direct mirrors – that some people reflect back to you where you have healed; that others reflect back a smaller aspect of you that needs healing by dramatizing the trait or pattern in another; and that sometimes, others’ patterns show you where you are by being an opposite.

Back then, everything in the world was somehow me and exactly me, and I often felt like anything bad in my life was my fault.

So, when my inner child said to me: Only think about the positive and affirm what you desire.

I got to say back:

I promise it’s safe to talk about our problems, too. It doesn’t mean that we will create more. When we do it consciously, the vibration is that of truth and consciousness and a desire to evolve. It ensures that we are treating these pains with genuine love and care rather than ignoring them. Remember, these things and feelings aren’t good or bad – just messages from Spirit.

The big issue

I feel like so many of these self-diminishing patterns came to a head when I was 17 (the age of my second inner child) and I really fell in love for the first time. This person was so much my opposite in so many ways. She was SO strong, so self-confident, assertive, and honestly just really freaking cool in every way I felt I wasn’t. She really didn’t care what people thought – and while I probably thought I didn’t – I definitely did. I loved everything about her! She owned her bad moods, spoke her mind, and just seemed so fearless to me.

The pattern in our relationship became this:

She would criticize me for not being enough in some way. Then, I would feel ashamed and afraid to lose her (and blame myself for it happening), so I’d compensate by over-giving. Then, I’d over-give in hopes to get some love. She’d be critical of me, I’d be resentful and ashamed and afraid, and then – to solve the problem – I’d give more, AD INFINITUM.

This pattern continued until it felt like I totally lost myself in the process. It really was a lonely time.

And it also really revealed to me just how far I’d go to please someone! (Approximately to the end of the Earth!)

But it became relevant this week because, as I go to put myself out there more, so many of the old wounds from this time in my life were showing themselves.

·      Fear of it (and myself, fundamentally!) not being enough,

·      Fear that I’ll be criticized or that others will be angry with me, and notably,

·      Fear that in giving more of myself again, I’ll lose myself.

That last one was a doozy when Lindsay pointed it out because it’s just so true.

And I’m so grateful that I got to do some healing around this because I really DO want to give from my heart.

Forgiveness Ritual

At Lindsay’s suggestion, I did a forgiveness ritual where I forgave all parties involved in the situation, and I apologized to my older inner child, especially, for my not knowing better than to give myself away as I did.

There was so much shame about how I let myself experience so much pain, and feelings of failure for how it all happened.

But in the end, I was really grateful for the shift. Before the ritual, my older inner child expressed that she felt that time took away her innocence.

At the end, Spirit came through to say:

By embracing your humanity without defense, you can learn to embrace others’. Remember that we are all doing the best we can. Innocence is our humanity. Without it, we can find it hard to learn and grow. This is what it means to be human.

This clicked it for me.

The pain of that time and all the walls I put up afterwards to try and protect myself didn’t take away my innocence…. Those things were my very innocence in action! The innocence of not knowing better. That really is the innocence of all of humanity.

And this innocence is what allows us to learn and grow.

Feeling really grateful for getting this on a new level today and for the compassion it opened up in me… for myself and others.

Xx