Wemberly Worried

Right now, I am feeling really good, happy and on-purpose. I began to teach the Divine Family Program this past Friday, with my second session being today (Saturday).

And I had an interesting experience with myself just before and after my first session.

Even though I was excited to begin teaching, I had such a feeling of nervousness, too. And I was having a difficult time embracing that fully. I couldn’t seem to release this FEAR and nervous energy… and have it STAY released. I felt like I was soothing and validating my inner children, but when I thought about the first session again – there was undeniably a swirling in my chest and stomach that was equally showing me my FEARs about it all (as much as I wanted to pretend that there wasn’t!).

I wasn’t able to get clear on this before my session. Fortunately, my first client and I were able to relate about the ‘nerves’ that precede new beginnings! It does make sense that we feel nervous for such a big new start!

But why couldn’t that ‘knowing’ bridge the gap and translate to feeling better?!

When the session ended, I was happy with how it went but was aware that the nerves had shifted my intentions a little. Rather than showing up fully in my heart, there was the ego-mind’s presence of making sure that I do a good job. And Get it Right.

Not the intention I want to bring to these sacred spaces at ALL. So, of course, I had to get to the bottom of this nervousness!

Speaking to my inner children, they entirely reflected my own experience: Energy painful. Big feeling. Seems to always come back – waxing and waning.

Which is totally true. I’ve always been a bit of worrier and this has come up many times. It’s especially strong when I really care about something. I can remember raising my hand in class while my heart pounded in my chest. Again, this was especially the case when I felt what I had to say was important.

I was struggling to re-parent this in a way that made the shift, so I knew I was missing something. While doing my best to say what I thought I needed to hear, Spirit suddenly said:

…but you secretly wish you had the courage.

LOL. So true.

And that was what I actually needed to hear.

I was secretly wishing I was different, that I didn’t get nervous, that I could just be confident… I was treating my wounds and my feelings a little like an inconvenience or a flaw, and I was judging the feeling, too.

Of course I wasn’t able to heal it with that attitude!

Suddenly I was remembering all the times I was nervous as a child but swallowed it because I didn’t want to be seen as weak, and I didn’t want my concerns to be dismissed as ridiculous, or to be called a name like ‘Wemberly Worries’ (I’m pretty sure that was from a real book. Okay yes, it is. I googled it).

Thus, ‘Fake it ‘till you Make it’ became a major part of my unconscious rulebook, and I got really good at it! I was confident and identified with that. Anything in me that wasn’t confident or seemed unconfident in some way felt AWFUL because I was so ashamed of it, and so judgmental of it, so I truly did everything I could not to see it. I manufactured a lot of my personality around NEVER having awkward silences or being uncomfortable or being in uncomfortable spaces because then…. I might not feel confident.

Wow!!! Yay breakthrough!!!

I needed to release the judgments I had about this feeling in a big way. When I have felt nervous or fearful, I definitely did not feel lovable or worthy of love. I just felt like I needed to hide it, fight it, and push it away the best I could.

Talking to my partner about some of these thoughts, we began remembering so many of our friends who have their nervous ways about them and how much we LOVE them for that. My judgments began to fade a little and I could finally feel some compassion and acceptance coming in…whew.

I could see in others how sweet and loving and worthy of love they are in their nervousness, and their more visible vulnerabilities in those moments just made me love them more, always. I needed to do and feel that same way for myself.

Another “in” was the realization that this nervousness was often an expression of care. I was nervous because I wanted to do right by my client and the material. In class, I was nervous raising my hand because I felt like what I had to say mattered.

And of course, after I FINALLY was able to accept these feelings in me and release them to Spirit, Spirit reminded me of how this nervous and worry energy has another job: to help us prepare. Again, it’s coming from that place of care.

The relief I felt in finally bringing some acceptance into this trait of mine (which I’ve pretty much ignored and rejected my whole life) was very special and I’m grateful for it. And I was ready to embrace it more if it showed up again before my session today...

…But it didn’t!

I’m sure it will NOT be the last time I worry or feel nervous, but finally bringing in some compassion and understanding to this tender part of me felt like a big breakthrough that I really wanted to share.